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Then to top it all off Stacy, a few hours ago, impliedthat she thought of me as a girl. Am I that feminine? Is that why I hadtrouble interacting with people at school?What if people are right? What if I am a girl inside? What am I to do? Should I just dress and live as a girl, like Jill does or should I followJulia and actually have a sex-change? If people are right and I amreally a girl inside, then I'm a lesbian. God, my parents will kill me.Ah, but what if I'm right and they're all wrong. What if I'm just astrange boy? Should I try and resist? Should I refuse to dress in girlsclothes on Monday? What would happen if I refused? Would I get senthome? No, I know too much for that to happen. Should I run away? No, Iwouldn't know how to survive and what would I be running away from?Myself?Oh my, this is very heavy stuff. No wonder we have our ownpsychiatrists."It depends on you," said Helen, finally coming out of her deep thoughts."If you live as a man then nobody would. I tried to make it just that -- for two weeks. Now, however, a strange yearning drove me on. One that I feared, yet had to explore. I had to know. Was I a slut? Am I a slut. To be used by men for their enjoyment. I had to laugh, for I suddenly realized that this latter part was my marriage: Being used by hubby. The selfish bastard.KMart was coming back into view. Driving more carefully, more attentively, I switched lanes. The centre. The right. The turn lane.Fear gripped me.A quick glance over my left shoulder, a mighty jerk on the steering wheel, and I was propelling the car recklessly back into the line of traffic. I breathed a sigh of relief as I drove passed the store. Well, at least I made it passed! That's a good start. Right?Wrong.Mentally I kicked myself. Not once. Not twice. But several times. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to laugh -- hysterically. I wanted... I wanted to go through with this so badly it hurt. I was tired of thinking of the "what ifs". I was.
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